Divorce Over 50: Was Your First Marriage Really a Dress Rehearsal?

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Almost everybody I've come across who's over 50 and was going through their first divorce said adamantly, "I will never get married again." A few years later, I've been to the weddings of many of those people. After you've been through a divorce, it takes a lot of soul searching to make any post-divorce relationship a permanent one. However, many people seem to be willing to take that step. Having been married once before, you gain a lot of experience and, hopefully, spent some time working on yourself to find out what went wrong so that you can make the new marriage positive. By the way, when I got divorced I said I would never marry again. The second time has been the charm for me!

Many people over 50 stay in a marriage even though they're not happy. It's too frightening to think about leaving and moving on. Being happy is really important, so it's much better to get your first marriage out of the way. You could consider it a dress rehearsal for the next one. First marriages or "starter marriages" can last as long as 30 years or as short as two. My first marriage lasted 25 years. I know a couple who were married for 60 years. When they had a chance to be apart for a few weeks, the wife decided she did not want him back. She filed for divorce and has never been happier. I am not an advocate for divorce if you can work things out. However, if it's impossible to make it work, you get to a certain point in life that no matter how old you are and how scary it might appear to be alone, you just have to take that leap.

If you were married for a number of years and it didn't work out, you shouldn't feel like you've failed. Here are five positive things that you can bring into your next marriage that you may have learned from the first one.

1. You Have a Better Sense of Self-Worth

Many marriages work at the beginning and then people change. You sort of get used to making adjustments that really don't work for you to please your spouse, but they are not making the same adjustments for you. After you mature and feel more comfortable in your skin, you realize that this isn't how you want to spend the rest of your life and want to be in a relationship that is more satisfying on all levels.

2. You Learn the Values That Are Important to You

We hope that we know everything that is important to us before we get married, but years later you may have a different set of values as you mature. Life experience helps you realize what's going to make you happy.

3. You Stop Comparing Yourself to Others

You may have felt pushed into marriage because everyone else you knew was getting married. Maybe all your friends got married after graduation. You may have felt like a loser or just plain left out if you didn't follow the crowd.

4. You Become More Responsible

The experience of divorce will really cause you to look at yourself and try to figure out why you made the wrong choice in such a crucial area of your life. The reflection you go through during and after a divorce will enable you to see your shortcomings as well as those of your ex. It will also help you to make more responsible choices. And by responsible, I mean choices that are better for you and your future.

5. You Realize What You Want

You may have thought that you knew what you wanted prior to your wedding, but now you probably have a more realistic picture of what's right for you. This doesn't only have to do with finding a new mate. It also has to do with being comfortable with yourself.

For more post-divorce tips, pick up Lois Tarter's new book The Divorce Ritual: Get Up, Get Out and Get On With Your Life by clicking here.

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Sprucing Up Your Home After a Divorce Is Totally Cathartic

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Moving on after a divorce could mean that your ex is moving out and you're keeping the marital residence. Now, you have your own space again and the freedom to do whatever you want with it.

You don't have to do anything costly like knocking down walls or building an addition to give your home a fresh feel. There's no reason to completely change the place. Simple adjustments to the decor can be achieved on a reasonable budget. Sprucing up your home after a divorce is totally cathartic. Here are some practical and easy ways to get started.

1. Fill Up Space

Since your ex has moved out, you have more space in different areas of your home. The closet is half-empty. The medicine cabinet is all yours. The refrigerator no longer has your ex's favorite foods in it. How do you fill up the extra space and make your home feel like it's yours again?

Start with the bedroom closet and spread out your clothes. Build some new shelves to better organize everything and give the closet a new feel. In the bathroom, reorganize the medicine cabinet. Filling up the fridge is easy. Stock it with all of your favorite healthy things to help you achieve that post-divorce body.

2. Change Wall Colors

Change the colors around the house to make it feel brighter. Cut some pictures out of magazines to get some ideas. You don't need to hire someone to paint. Do it yourself or with a friend. If you have children, you can all paint together. The act of painting is therapeutic. Each enthusiastic brush stroke will make you feel like you're moving on!

3. Move Paintings Around

Don't buy all new art work for your home. Moving paintings around can give a different ambiance and make things feel new. Also, if you don't like one of the paintings that your ex had on the wall, take it down and offer it back to them.

If you have seen the same painting on your wall when you walk down the stairs every morning, switch it with another one. It will give you a sense that things are different and the house is now yours.

4. Plant Something New

To mark this beginning, I suggest planting something new in your backyard. As it grows over time, you will grow along with it. If you live in an apartment in a city and obviously don't have a backyard, buy a new plant for your home. Water the plant and watch it get stronger. It's a daily reminder of how far you're progressing.

5. Remake Your Bed

You probably went through a lot of stress during the divorce, so it's time to get some sleep. The bed is yours again and there's nothing like using fresh, new linens. Get that flowery or geometric set of sheets that you've always wanted. Add some decorative pillows. A friend of mine who was recently divorced asked me what she could do with the sheets that she still had from her marriage. I told her that they could be used to keep a bonfire going.

For more post-divorce tips, check out Lois Tarter's new book, The Divorce Ritual: Get Up, Get Out and Get On With Your Life .

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What the Movie Enough Said Tells Us About Exes and Relationships

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The movie Enough Said is the perfect example of what is right for one person may not be right for someone else.

James Gandolfini plays Albert. His character is a little quirky, but warm and loving. Catherine Keener plays his ex, a poet named Marianne. Her character is more brittle, judgmental and cold. A massage therapist named Eva, played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus, meets exes Albert and Marianne separately at the same party. Eva doesn't realize the connection between them as she begins to date Albert and simultaneously is hired by Marianne to give her massages.

Eva becomes friendly with Marianne and listens to her complaints about her ex. It leads Eva to believe that her ex was not such a nice guy. Marianne also felt that she was "better," more sophisticated and worldly than her former spouse. In the meantime, Eva is really having lots of fun spending time with her new boyfriend Albert. Eventually, Eva figures out that Albert is Marianne's ex! She wants to tell both of them the truth, but waits too long. When the truth finally is revealed, both Albert and Marianne feel betrayed by Eva.

An interesting part of this story is that while Marianne didn't appreciate Albert and said bad things about him, he never put his ex-wife down. He did not come off as a person who was judgmental and seemed more accepting. Also, his ex-wife constantly complained about all of his idiosyncrasies, while Eva found them to be cute and charming. Albert obviously was not the right person for Marianne. However, he was good for Eva until she began listening to someone else and messed the relationship up. The lesson from all of this is that you need to form your own opinions of the person you're dating. What is good for one is not good for someone else.

So often we look at our friends' spouses and realize how a relationship with them would never work for us. Yet, our friends are happy. My husband and I love to travel. Either one of us being married to someone who doesn't like to travel would be problematic. Lots of my friends' husbands are avid sports fans. I'm not and my husband is not. My ex loves sports and his wife also loves sports. A match made in a football heaven.

If you rely on the opinions of your friends about your potential mate, and don't really rely on your gut feeling, you could easily miss out on the perfect person for you. On the other side of that coin, if you have been in abusive relationships, you could then move into another abusive relationship. So you need to listen to your friends when they caution you about your new love. Also, always look at the problems in your previous marriage and try not to repeat them in your new relationship.

Before you introduce any new love interest to your children, you should make sure that this new person is a keeper. When you finally arrange for your kids and your new love to meet, your children may not like this person as an initial knee-jerk reaction. They may not have come to terms yet that your relationship with their mother or father is over. So unless your children are mature and supportive, you need to make up your own mind. Make sure your new love interest treats your kids well.

All in all, what is good for one person is often not right for someone else. Make up your mind about a new relationship based on your feelings. Who knows? The right person for you may be the person you have heard your friend complain about forever. Try to meet everyone with an open mind and be prepared for a new exciting chapter in your life.

For post-divorce tips and information to help you get over your ex, pick up Lois Tarter's new book The Divorce Ritual: Get Up, Get Out and Get On With Your Life by clicking here.

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Dating Over 50: How I Found Love When I Wasn't Looking For It

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With grey divorce on the rise, many couples over 50 are looking to leave their disappointing marriages and reinvent themselves. The older you are when you divorce, the more variables there are to consider. However, even though it's difficult and there are many challenges, you can't stay in a situation that no longer works for you and one that you know will never work again.

I found myself in that position when I divorced after being married for 25 years. I tried to feel positive about my future. You have to keep your life active and open yourself to new social relationships. I had sent out a change of address to all of my friends. I heard from several people, including a man named Fred, who was an old friend of my ex -- and an old friend of mine. At the time, Fred and I had known each other for over 20 years. Our friendship began when my ex-husband had done a business deal with him. Fred was a really smart and fun person to be around and I always liked talking with him.

Eventually, we met for dinner and had a good time catching up. Fred and I really enjoyed the camaraderie that developed and stayed in touch. He was also getting divorced and I was happy to be there for him as a supportive friend, having gone through it myself. We had lots of similar interests and felt very comfortable talking to each other.

Over time, Fred finalized his divorce. We were two old friends available to develop our own relationship. As time went on, we realized that there was more than just a friendship there and romance blossomed. We've been married for over 15 years and we both never expected it. Sometimes, your next relationship or spouse could be an old friend. Here are five reasons why it can work.

1. You Have Similar Interests

When you divorce after 50 and your children are grown, there is much more free time. If you know the person you are dating well, then you also are aware of what they like to do. Chances are that if you're friends already, you have similar interests.

At this stage of your life, you should be able to enjoy your leisure time. Maybe you both have a desire to travel. My husband and I really enjoy our time exploring other countries and cultures. If you are both into tennis or golf, you could enjoy those sports together. Just hanging around the house and choosing a movie to watch on TV is much easier when a couple enjoys the same things. If you have similar tastes in food, paling around in the kitchen and sampling each other's favorite recipes can be fun. When two people have similar interests, there are lots of things to do and time to enjoy them.

2. You Know Each Other's Ex-Spouses

Knowing each other's ex-spouses can be a help in your post-divorce lives. You both may have resentment about your exes and you can give each other support and advice on how to deal with them. When you have a frame of reference about the ex, you can certainly offer more realistic input when a problem comes up.

You will have to go to family events. It's great to have the support of not only an old friend, but a close ally when you see your ex. They also know each other, so you skip the awkward introductions.

3. You Know Each Other's Children

Even though your children are older when you go through a grey divorce, it's always an emotional transition when their parents split. No matter what, they'll be happy to see you enjoy your life again. And a big part of enjoying your life when you divorce after 50 and the kids are out of the house is having companionship.

When your children know and like the person you fall in love with post-divorce, they can even feel more comfortable about you getting remarried. If your kids have children, being familiar with their new grandparent can make the transition more comfortable.

4. You Know Their Faults

When you both start out as friends, you already know many of the positive things about each other as well as many of the negative ones. Nobody is perfect and when you know those imperfections upfront, you are more aware of what it would be like to date them.

Unfortunately, most of the time it takes many dates with someone new before you find out their faults. However, nobody wants to waste time. So not having to go through that part of the relationship, gives you the opportunity to deal with the more important things between you both. If their faults were so bad, you wouldn't have been friends with them to begin with and you certainly wouldn't consider getting romantically involved.

5. You Were Friends First

You both have built trust together during your years as friends. And those years you spent as friends getting to know each other are some of the most valuable in building a foundation for a relationship. When you are friends before you start dating, your relationship can actually be healthier. It's based more on friendship than sex.

Since you were friends first, you both probably travel in the same social circles. It's easier to get together for game nights or a couples dinner out with your mutual friends. They can also become good traveling companions. This part of your lives should be about being on the same page as the person you're with. If you're friends first, you're already there!

For post-divorce dating tips, pick up Lois Tarter's new book "The Divorce Ritual: Get Up, Get Out and Get On With Your Life" by clicking here.

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

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Nothing wrong with being cautious and slow. Before you tell your adult children that you are dating again (or make a big deal about someone specific), make sure that the two of you are a couple. Ask yourself whether you feel serious about this person. You don't want to get your adult children involved, attached, or concerned when it's not necessary.

If you want to win over your adult children, just tell them that this new partner makes you happy. How can your children have a problem with that? Remember that your kids want to make sure it's someone who cares about you and is trustworthy, because children of all ages don't want their parents to get hurt. Also, many adult children are concerned that a new partner will "financially" and "emotionally" take advantage of their parent. Keep these two concerns in mind when you talk to your adult children. Flickr photo via: Kunni Kun.

The more information your new partner has before they meet your adult children, the better. Don't fear telling your partner too much. The more information they have about your adult children the easier it will be for them to ask questions, seem interested, and join the conversation. Flickr photo via: Petteri Sulonen.

It is important that your adult children observe the two of you sharing responsibilities and enjoying each other's company. A great idea: getting together for a meal - have the partner and adult children meet over dinner or lunch! At the dinner, if you cook the turkey, have your partner make the mashed potatoes. If he doesn't cook, have him set the table. Work together as a team. Flickr photo by: rhurtubia.

No matter their age, explain why you're dating again, that no one will ever replace their other parent, and now that they are older - you too need companionship. Don't dismiss their concerns - instead, if you validate their concerns, they won't get defensive. If you say instead: "I understand that you are worried about me and you're not sure this is right for me. I hear you. I promise you, I will come and let you know if anything doesn't feel right to me about this person. I won't hesitate to let you know. But, right now - he makes me happy. I enjoy his company and I am being cautious, slow and safe."

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Should You Have Divorced Earlier?

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Michael Douglas told the press recently that he should have ended his first marriage sooner than he did. Douglas said, "I know I'm going to get into trouble here. I have nothing against her and in fact I'm very fond of my first wife. But we should have ended that marriage eight or 10 years earlier." He was married to Diandra for 23 years.

If you recently got divorced, you may be wondering, Should I have ended my marriage earlier? Couples sometimes stay married even though they are not happy. If they have children, the spouses often remain together for the sake of their kids. However, sometimes it's just better to end it and have closure. You can still be great parents to your children even though you are not married. And you can build a new life for yourself. Usually, there is no benefit to delaying a divorce. Here are some ways that you and your spouse can tell if it might be time to end your marriage and agree to move on.

You Went to Therapy: If you have tried therapy and went together for a while and it didn't help resolve your problems, it is a sign that this marriage probably should not continue.

You Hope Your Spouse is Not Home: If you head home after work, drive down your street and hope that your spouse's car is not in the driveway, then you should think about wrapping up the marriage.

You Don't Communicate: When you don't talk anymore and just yell at each other, things will not get better. If there is no communication it is hopeless between you two.

You Make Excuses: When you stay at the office late when you don't need to instead of going home, it's an excuse to avoid your marriage.

You Haven't Been on a Vacation Together in Years: If you haven't been on a vacation with your spouse in years and don't want to go on one together, things won't improve.

You Have Nothing in Common: When you got married, you both had things in common. Two people in a marriage can change their interests as the years pass. But if you don't have anything in common, it's hard to have fun together anymore.

You Forget Important Dates: If you forget your anniversary that is a definite indication that you are very far away from the romance of your relationship.

For more divorce tips, pick up Lois Tarter's new book "The Divorce Ritual" by clicking here.

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When You Know That You're Over Your Ex

Lois Tarter: When You Know That You're Over Your Ex HPFB.init();
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Lois TarterAuthor, divorce blogger and divorce party planner

GET UPDATES FROM Lois Tarter   Like 21 When You Know That You're Over Your Ex Posted: 03/16/2013 1:12 pm Follow   Divorce Advice , BREAKING UP , BREAKING UP , Marriage Problems , Getting Over Ex , How To Move On , Life After Divorce , Splits , Divorce News
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After divorce, we turn to the people who are near and dear to us for support (and perhaps drive them crazy). Then, we tell everyone that we are over our ex. However, even though we are showing a brave front, everyone knows that we are not really past the split yet.

It takes time to put the pieces back together, and nobody can predict how long it's going to take. Depending on how much time you spent with the person and how it ended, the post-split healing process can be really challenging. But there is no better feeling than when you have come out the other side and put the split -- and the relationship -- behind you. How do you know when you're finally over your ex? Here are seven signs that you have moved on.

You don't talk about your ex anymore: During the split, you probably spoke about your ex a lot with friends and family. When you don't talk about your ex anymore, it is a good sign that he or she is behind you.

You don't mind seeing your ex with someone new: When you see your ex with a new love interest and it doesn't bother you, then you have clearly gotten over him or her. They're now somebody else's problem.

You share holidays: If you and your ex have children, you may end up spending some holidays together. You know you're over the relationship when your ex asks you to pass the gravy on Thanksgiving and you don't feel like throwing it on him or her.

You don't seek them out: We have all Googled an ex after a breakup. But when you stop putting his or her name into the search box and don't really care to know what he or she is doing, you have made it through.

You want to be friends again: When you broke up, you probably de-friended your ex on Facebook. If you have kids together, you may want to friend them again. This is not because you're stalking your ex or want to know everything about him or her; it's actually just because you want to be friends.

You forget to return your ex's calls: When your ex calls you about something and you truly forget to return his or her phone call, you have definitely moved on.

You go back to your old stomping grounds: When you can go back to some of the places you frequented with your ex and you feel nothing, you have made great progress.

What are the signs that you have moved on?

Needing more break-up tips and ways to heal? Pick up Lois Tarter's new book "The Divorce Ritual" by clicking here.

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Can Taking a Timeout Save Your Marriage?

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Michael Douglas and Catherine Zeta-Jones have decided to take some time apart. While a divorce could be in their future, they are apparently taking a moment to themselves to see if that is where they want to go. The majority of celebrities and other's whose marriages are faltering usually go right toward filing for a divorce. This decision by Douglas and Zeta-Jones could be setting a new trend of timeout's in marriages.

Taking a breather to think things over in many instances in life works, so why not in a marriage? In professional sports, a coach will call a timeout to readjust the game plan. When a child is acting up, a parent will give them a timeout to calm them down. If a marriage is in jeopardy, a couple who takes a timeout to regroup might be able to save it. This is an especially important step to take if they have children. Here are some reasons that a timeout in a marriage could possibly help toward resolving differences.

You Visit a Therapist: During this timeout you may consider going to therapy. It usually is a great opportunity to look at things more clearly with the help of a professional. Their advice could be crucial in saving your marriage.

You Reevaluate Your Futures: You both begin to look at your futures and where you see yourselves. If you want to stay married, you need to talk about going in the same direction together.

You Start Communicating: If you have been arguing with your spouse and can't just talk normally with each other, a timeout could get you both back to a place where you can discuss things.

You Stop Blaming Your Spouse: A timeout can help you realize that blaming your spouse for the marriage not working isn't going to fix the problems. This will only pull you both apart.

You Fix What Is Wrong With You: Your spouse may be difficult to deal with, but you may not be the easiest to get along with either. See if you can fix some things about yourself during this timeout.

You Try Co-Parenting: This is an important step when you are considering a divorce. The children have to be the main focus regardless of what the outcome is. During the timeout, you both can begin to see what it would be like to co-parent.

You Miss Each Other: After a month with little contact, you may have the desire to see your spouse. Time helps to heal hurt feelings and you would be surprised how different you may feel.

For helpful divorce tips, pick up Lois Tarter's new book The Divorce Ritual.

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