What Are the Important COURT FILING and SERVICE DEADLINES in Divorce and Family Law?

Q. I am an in Pro Per dad getting tripped up by the rules pertaining to service in my divorce proceedings. I seem to get something wrong every time! Can you give us an outline of when to serve what, and upon whom?

MS

Dear MS - I am glad you asked the question. These things are hard to track, and even to hold in the heads of lawyers and their staff, so I'll endeavor to create a master list for serving and filing pleadings in disso and family law proceedings.

However, anyone who reads this needs to consider that different California counties have their own additional local rules and what I am providing here will include the California Code of Civil Procedure, Family Code, California Rules of Court, and possibly information pertaining to certain counties like Riverside. I'll come back to this Blog to add further layers in time, and I hope people will register to comment if I've missed something or there is some valuable pointer for others you think I've missed. You can check Local Rules by visiting the County website for every California jurisdiction I know of, and it may pay dividends for you to do so in your locale.

TWA

SUMMONS and PETITION for Dissolution of Marriage, Nullity of Marriage (Annulment), or Legal Separation (including Domestic Partnerships and Paternity actions but excluding Summary Dissolutions and Domestic Violence proceedings) - Unless a local rule in your jurisdiction provides otherwise in terms of status conferences and review hearings, you can file a Petition and sit on it without any requirement of service, subject to a three year dismissal rule which applies to civil actions generally [CCP section 583.210(a)]. Proof of service of the summons is supposed to be filed with the Court within 60 days after the time that service of the summons and petition must be served upon a "defendant". [CCP section 583.210(b)]. Please also note that this dismissal rule does not apply to marital dissolutions if there is an outstanding order for child support, spousal support, or bifurcated proceeding per Family Code section 2337 that was issued in that proceeding.

When the Summons issues, it contains Automatic Temporary Restraining Orders ("ATRO's) that repeat the prohibitions and permissions set forth in Family Code section 2040. Understand that the Petition, which is the mandatory Judicial Council Form FL-100, states at paragraph 9. just above where you signed that "I HAVE READ THE RESTRAINING ORDERS ON THE BACK OF THE SUMMONS, AND I UNDERSTAND THAT THEY APPLY TO ME WHEN THIS PETITION IS FILED." Hence, once you sign and file the Petition the ATRO's apply to you, whether or not you ever serve it, and until or unless the Petition is dismissed. This can expose you to claims of breach of fiduciary duty for violation of the TRO's (ATRO's) and other penalties, including contempt, and montary sanctions - including attorney fees (Family Code section 271; Cal. Rules of Court, Rule 5.14). The original Summons is not given to you by the Clerk, but stays in the Court file. You get a copy, (Cal.Rules of Court, Rule 5.50(a)(2)), including a certified copy upon request.

The ATRO's become effective upon the other party when the Summons and Petition are served. The other party is the "Respondent"; you are the "Petitioner" as the initiating party.

There are a number of ways by which the Summons and Petition may be served, but there are different potential consequences - specifically as to the ATRO's - depending upon the manner of service. For instance, as set forth in Cal.Rules of Court, Rule 5.68, service may be made by:

Personal service per CCP section 415.10;"Substituted service" upon another adult per CCP section 415.20;Service by mail with a notice and acknowledgment of receipt per CCP section 415.30 (FL-117); Service on a person outside the State of California per CCP section 415.40;Service on a personal residing outside the United States under the Hague Convention; andService by posting or publication in newspaper per CCP sections 415.50 and 413.30. However, service in this fashion may result in the ATRO's having no application to the other party per Cal.Rules of Court, Rule 5.50(b)(2). Please note that you need to get court orders to allow this manner of service. [See Cal.Rules of Court, Rule 5.72].

Proof of service of the foregoing must be filed with the Court clerk, at least before the hearing and before non ex-parte orders will issue. (Cal.Rules of Court, Rule 5.66). See Judicial Council forms FL-335 (proof of service by mail) and FL-330 (proof of personal service).

RESPONSES TO SUMMONS AND PETITION -

After service of the Summons and Petition, the Respondent has 30 days in which to file a Response, or a Motion to Quash the proceedings, per Cal.Rules of Court, Rule 5.62 (note the first sentence reference in 5.62 to C.C.P section 418.10, which is the motion to quash statute). PLEASE NOTE - many attorneys and judges do not understand this, so be prepared to cite rhyme and verse! If they do neither, you can file a Request to Enter their default in the proceedings so long as you have complied with Family Code section 2014, served them with your Preliminary Declaration of Disclosure (Judicial Council form FL-142) and filed the FL-141 (Declaration of Proof of Service of PDD) with the Court clerk.

It bears mentioning that many people in amicable dissolutions or other family law proceedings reach settlement agreements, in whole or in part, and that each party must pay a hefty filing fee to the government as their "first appearance fee". For that reason, many cases go by way of default, and this may be perfectly okay but it does include certain risks for the responding party - they won't be able to modify whatever agreements and orders thereon that issue without paying a first appearance filing fee (in August, 2013, this is $465 in many counties) AND in some situations they may be required to set aside the default to challenge their agreement later, most commonly where they seek to set-aside their property and debt division proceedings. I've written extensively about set-aside motions on this site, so if that is your circumstance I urge you to use our on-board search engine (or try the link) and to read those many articles.

Where the responding party has filed a Response, they are deemed to have been served with a copy of the Summons - including the ATRO's - and the Petition, and are therefore subject to the same penalties for violating ATRO's mentioned above as to the Petitioner.

The Response may be served by mail and does not need to be served personally upon the other party; indeed, once the action is underway and at least until final judgment, all further pleadings by either side may be served by mail - although any temporary restraining orders, or orders after hearings that you may need to enforce by contempt, should be personally served upon the other party IF they were not at the hearing where the orders issued.

REQUESTS For ORDERS (RFO's) - RFO's must be filed using mandatory Judicial Council form FL-300, unless another Judicial Council form has been adopted for the specific motion or order to show cause (bifurcation motions, contempts, pension joinders, for example). The key statute in this maze to know for calculating service dates of motions and RFO's on parties to the proceedings are CCP sections 1005 and 1010, and they may be served by mail with two important exceptions [Cal.Rules of Court, Rule 5.92(a)(6): If the RFO seeks court orders pending the hearing or seeks an order that the other attend the hearing it must be served in the same manner as a Summons; andIf the RFO is filed after Judgment or any other custody proceeding where a permanent order issued, it must be served in accordance with Family Code section 215.

CCP section 1005(b) establishes the following deadlines for service of papers and filing the proof of service with the Court clerk:

Unless some other rule or statute applies, all RFO's or other motions must be filed and personally served at least 16 court days before the hearing. If served by mail to a party inside the State, increase service by 5 calendar days and if outside the State then add 10 days (and 20 days if outside the United States);If service is by overnight mail instead of snail mail, then add 2 days instead of 5;If the moving party chooses to reply to the other's responsive declaration or other pleadings, the Reply paperwork must be filed and served at leave 5 days before the hearing.

RESPONSIVE DECLARATIONS to RFO's must be filed with the Court clerk at least 9 court days and be personally served that day; otherwise, add 5 days for mailing by snail mail or 2 days for overnight delivery - counting back from the date of the hearing. This means that if you are serving Responsive paperwork by overnight mail, then you should served at the responsive declaration 11 court days before the hearing (you can still file it 9 court days before).

Note: The scope of relief that may be requested in responding papers is limited to the issues raised in the moving papers, usually by checking the boxes on the Judicial Council RFO; otherwise, a separate RFO by you is required. [Cal.Rules of Court, Rule 5.92(b)(2)].

Moving papers and responsive declarations should not exceed 10 pages in length, and the reply should not exceed 5 pages. [Cal.Rules of Court, Rule 5.111]. This count does not include the Income and Expense Declaration, property declarations, exhibits, or points and authorities. [Cal.Rules of Court, Rule 5.112.1].

If you are serving REPLY PAPERWORK by overnight mail, then it must be sent out 7 court days before the hearing (you can still file it 5 court days before). Per CCP section 1005(c) overnight mail must be reasonably calculated to ensure delivery to the other side not later then close of the next business day after the papers are filed.

When calculating calendar days, do not include the date of mailing, i.e., if you mail on the August 20th, don't include the 20th in your count but include the last day which must fall on or before the hearing date. When calculating court days, don't count the first day either and be sure NOT to count any days where the court may be closed by reason of budget problems, and obviously don't count weekends or court holidays. This can be a real trap, particularly with court closures. Where the last day falls on a holiday or a weekend, don't include it in the count.

Service by fax or other electronic delivery may only be made where the other party has agreed to accept service by this means, or the Court has ordered such service. [CCP section 1010.6(a)(2), (3)]. There needs to be a written confirmation of this agreement. [CCP section 1013(e)]. Fax service must include a notation of the date and place of the transmission and the number faxed to. [CCP section 1013(f)].

Personal Service upon Attorneys and/or Parties: If the other party is represented by an attorney who has appeared in the proceedings, service of RFO's, Responsive Declarations, and Reply pleadings may be made to the attorney by handing it to a person over the age of 18 years at their business or residence (if in the same county as the action) between the hours of 9:00 a.m. to 5:00 p.m. and if no person is in the office it may be left in a conspicuous place. [CCP section 1011(a)]. If a party is represented, it is a good idea to always serve the attorney to avoid requests for continuance of the hearing; don't play games with service! You do not need to serve both the attorney and the party, but you do need to serve the attorney. [CCP section 1014]. Personal service may also be made on the party by leaving it at their residence with a person over the age of 18 years between the hours of 9:00 a.m. and 6:00 p.m. [CCP section 1011(b)].

Note: Motions for reconsideration must comply with CCP section 1008 and be filed within ten days from the issuance of an order in open court, but otherwise follow the section 1005(b) service rules.

Contempt proceedings must be personally served upon the other party in the same manner as a Summons. [C.C.P. section 1016]. Service upon an attorney, unless he or she agrees to accept service by Notice and Acknowledgment of Receipt, is not adequate.

Meet and Confer required effective January 1, 2013: Cal.Rules of Court, Rule 5.98 now requires parties and attorneys to meet and confer to try to resolve or streamline the matter prior to the hearing, including exchanging all relevant documents. This rule doesn't seem to be getting enforced, however.

Orders After Hearings - Cal.Rules of Court, Rule 5.125 governs the preparation and timing of orders after hearings. Unless the court fixes a different time, the party directed to prepare an order after hearing should submit it to the other side for approval within 10 days following the hearing. Within 20 days they must approve it or object to it. If they fail to respond, then the party preparing the order may send it to the court with a "correspondence" explaining when it was served, the other's reasons if known for not approving it, whether meet and confer was attempted, and a request that the court sign it.

Considerations If You Want To Pay Temporary Spousal Maintenance

By Erik Carter

Cordell & Cordell Divorce Attorney

Most states’ divorce laws permit a court to order temporary spousal maintenance ("temporary" meaning "during the pendency of the divorce").

Where I practice, there is no worksheet for calculation for such maintenance, as there is for temporary child support or for contribution to college expenses of children.

The general rule that courts use is to examine the other party’s necessary expenses, subtract from that any income or child support that party may receive, and then use that difference to decide on any award of temporary spousal maintenance.

There may be other considerations, such as the amount of debt you may be ordered to pay, including any mortgages or insurances during the pendency of the litigation.

It is not uncommon for a higher-earning spouse to agree to pay temporary spousal maintenance, either to save on costs of litigation or out of recognition of necessity.

This can be in the form of a regular payment of cash, or it can be in your agreeing to pay certain bills on behalf of your spouse.

1. Joint access to a joint bank account

This should be avoided as much as possible. This gives your spouse access to, and control over, a portion of money you may require to live on. It also runs the risk of the other spouse failing to inform you timely of large or unexpected withdrawals, which could lead to overdraft charges and bounced payments.

2. Ongoing payment and use of credit cards

The need for temporary spousal maintenance is based most often on a party’s need for money to bridge the gap between his or her income and expenses. However, if you agree to pay the other spouse’s credit cards on an ongoing basis, then that other spouse can simply put all expenses on the credit cards, make you pay them, and pocket any other money you are ordered to pay (or income that he or she has coming in).

3. Auto insurance

Any agreement to pay auto insurance, especially for children, should be capped at the current rate. This is to protect against the insurance premiums being raised due to tickets, accidents, or arrest of the insured, and you now being liable for that increased cost.

4. Cell phones

Any agreement to pay for your spouse’s use of a cell phone should be for the minimal cost and usage. Your spouse should be removed from any data plan or text message plan that varies with usage, or your payment should be capped at a minimal amount. You should not have to pay for your spouse to play on Facebook or download games.

The division of bills and payment of temporary spousal maintenance is a financial consideration only. States do not anticipate that a spouse will profit or go bankrupt during the pendency of a divorce.

Courts generally do not look more or less favorably on a spouse who wanted to be generous or cooperative during the litigation phase of a divorce.

The goal of any agreement for temporary spousal maintenance should be to provide minimal maintenance for your spouse, so that he or she is not so comfortable with the temporary arrangement that there is no incentive to end it.

15 Things Not To Do After A Breakup

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After a breakup, it's so easy to feel depressed and alone. It's important to take matters into your own hands and pull yourself back together as quickly as possible. Realize that while it was traumatic, you can go forward and move into the new life that you want.

You don't want to make the same mistakes again that you made in your last relationship, so you have to think about what went wrong. If you haven't figured it out, odds are that you'll make the same mistakes as before. And if you haven't learned that yet, perhaps you haven't done enough work on yourself. There are things that you can do that are self-destructive after a breakup that make it impossible to have another relationship.

What you have to do is really spend time figuring out A) what it is that you want and B) what kind of behavior you engaged in before that didn't work and why the relationship failed. You need to change the approach, so take a look at the things women shouldn't do after a breakup.

1. Change Your Relationship Status on Facebook Right Away: Make sure it's really over before you make a relationship status change on social media. Also if you're in a "new" relationship a week later, you might need to reassess what a relationship really means.

2. Immediately Go On a Trip to "Paradise": Hold off a few months until you've healed and your emotions are more stable, and you'll enjoy the trip more.

3. Bad Mouth Your Ex: Don't share private things that were meant to be kept private between you and your ex. Making negative remarks is something that will haunt you in the future.

4. Become a Full-Time Gym Rat: The only reason to spend four hours a day at the gym is if you're a personal trainer.

5. Overspend: You forget that at the end of the month the bills for all of those really cool things that you bought will be all yours.

6. Get Jealous of Your Friends' Happiness: A lot of unhappy people don't necessarily mean to be jealous of their friends, but they are. "How come her life is coming together and mine isn't?" We all want love, happiness and excitement in our lives. Even though it's not here yet, if you keep a positive attitude it can happen for you.

7. Jump Into Your Jammies and Don't Come Out: After a breakup, never stay in your house and isolate yourself from people who care. Accept all invitations from friends that come your way.

8. Date Obvious Bad Choices: You don't have to date the first person who shows interest. Make better dating choices.

9. Refuse to Let Go: If you go on your ex's social media obsessively, then think about why you feel you need to keep checking on him.

10. Try to Find "Get Even" Dates: When you date your ex's friends or go on dates where you know friends of your ex will be, it certainly won't help you move on.

11. Blame Everybody Else: It's way easier to blame everybody else rather than accept some of the blame for the failed relationship. Some of it has to be on your shoulders.

12. Don't Give Yourself Time to Heal: You don't need to go right into another relationship. Go out with your friends and have fun.

13. Never Stop Talking About Your Problems With Others: Be respectful of other people's time and don't go on and on about your breakup.

14. Overload on Eating and Drinking: Trying to drown your sorrows or stuff them down with food does not help.

15: Talk About Your Ex With Your Children: If you broke up with a spouse, don't try to recruit your children (if you have them) to your side. Getting your kids involved only makes more pain for everybody else. It causes so many more problems.

For more breakup and divorce tips to help you get over your ex, pick up Lois Tarter's new book The Divorce Ritual: Get Up, Get Out and Get On With Your Life.

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TV Dads Who 'Raise Hope' For Positive Fatherhood Models

From Ward Cleaver to Homer Simpson, television fathers have undergone quite the transformation in the last several decades.

The standard TV dad now serves as a foil for the all-knowing mother, making insurmountable mistakes and, in general, coming across as an incompetent fool.

So where is a dedicated single father supposed to turn for inspiration? Fortunately, several model TV dads exist, if you know where to look.

Photo by Genevieve via Wikimedia Commons

In 2009, "Friday Night Lights" head writer Jason Katims approached Ron Howard with the genius idea of modeling a new television show off of the 1989 film "Parenthood." This would the the second attempt at reinstating the movie's concept of a nurturing protagonist father, the first having briefly aired in the early '90s.

Critics from The New Yorker point to the updated, 2010 version of "Parenthood" as a "surprisingly nuanced" tale for our time, re-examining the concept of family and applying it to the recession era.

The character Joel Graham, played by Sam Jaeger, assists greatly in this endeavor, showing that a father can maintain his manly status while still fulfilling a nurturing role.

Photo by Eva Rinaldi via Wikimedia Commons

Perpetual good guy and loving dad Michael Bluth may experience the ultimate misfortune of being born into the most dysfunctional family known to the small screen, but he constantly strives to make the best of a very bad situation.

And while the same actor played both young Michael Bluth and young Don Draper, the two prominent television guys hold absolutely nothing in common. Michael Bluth, unlike Draper, shows that nice guys can make it in this world, even if it means stooping to the level of moving into his college-age son's dorm.

Yes, he embarrasses poor George Michael at every turn, but Michael Bluth's loving approach to parenting ultimately results in a surprisingly well-adjusted son.

He's not the type to simply use bundle TV to drown out the sorrows of being a Bluth; rather, his TV-watching always comes as a means of connecting with his beloved son.

Single dads are increasingly finding themselves forced to join forces with other family members in hopes of making ends meet. Such is certainly the case for Jimmy Chance, the main character in the hilarious Fox comedy "Raising Hope."

Conceived during a night of passion with a mass murderer, baby Hope provides Jimmy some major challenges when she arrives on his doorstep.

Through a spirit of extended family cooperation, Jimmy manages to provide his daughter with a very loving home life.

Yes, Jimmy Chance often proves the blundering single dad of the dreaded stereotypes, but the big difference is he actually learns from his mistakes, applying these lessons to become a better parent. For this reason, Slate marks "Raising Hope" as a show full of audacity, and thus, hope for single dads in similarly difficult situations.

The Frugal Father: 5 Ways Single Dads Can Save Money

Being a father is surely one of the biggest joys in your life, but it doesn’t come without its fair share of trials and tribulations.

Being a dad when you’re sharing the responsibilities with a partner can certainly be challenging, but when you are going it alone, there are even more hurdles to contend with.

Finances are one of the biggest concerns that a single father faces. Kids are expensive and it can be extremely difficult try to extend a single income to the max.

If your financial situation is keeping you up at night, take a deep breath and try putting some of these money saving tactics into effect.

1. Accept Hand-Me-Downs: When it comes to kids, clothing is a huge expense. Spills, potty training, falls and tears mean that they require a pretty big supply of clothing – not to mention the fact that they grow so quickly and are constantly needing bigger or different sizes.

A great way to save money is to accept hand-me-downs. If you have siblings or friends who have children that are older than yours, ask if they wouldn’t mind passing the clothing they’ve grown out of down to your kids.

Second-hand stores are also increasing in popularity and number, offering great options, very affordable prices and even have online counterparts for ease of use.

2. Buy Second Hand Toys: To young kids, a new toy is a new toy; it doesn’t matter if it has been used by a previous owner. Shop for second-hand toys at thrift stores and at online bidding sites.

You can find great savings, and the toys you will find will likely be good as new.

3. Pay Bills Online: This is a tip that can benefit anyone, but as a single dad, it can particularly benefit you. Paying your bills online can actually save you money. Many utility companies and lenders offer discounts when you make an online payment, and these savings can really add up.

By searching on a site like DepositAccounts, one can find the most affordable bank rates available to them as well as read from a plethora of blogs on everything from frugality methods to proper credit card usage.

4. Do Your Own Repairs: When your car or an appliance breaks down, instead of paying someone else to fix it, try fixing it yourself. You don’t have to be a super handy man; you just have to be willing to learn from a variety of online and printed resources readily available.

Thanks to unlimited information found all over the web, a single father can research how to repair tons of things on his own, including cars and appliances.

YouTube is a fantastic resource for how-to videos that provide step-by-step instructions that will really walk anyone through the entire repair process. Becoming your own handyman and mechanic can save you tons of cash.

5. Look for Specials: You will be amazed to find how many discounts you can find for your kids. Retailers, restaurants and even kid-friendly activity centers, such as museums, often offer special prices.

Go out to eat at restaurants that offer a ‘kids eat free’ promotion, which can save you a great deal of money on groceries. Take the kids to the museum or a fun center on free or discounted days. Check coupons to see when retailers are offering special discounts on certain items.

With these simple tips, you can effectively save a great deal of money as a single dad. Put these tactics into practice and you will be able to extend your single salary much farther than you ever thought possible.

Dave Landry Jr. is a personal finance manager and small business owner living in Southern California with his two young daughters. Dave has a passion for writing blogs and creating infographics on all-things finance, specializing in frugality, savings, investing, debt management, accounting and asset management. He hopes this blog will help all of the single fathers out there save a little extra cash.

Don't Let Your Kids Divorce the Summer

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If you're going through a divorce, it has nothing to do with your kids enjoying their summer. As parents, you both have to rise above your differences when it comes to the children.

Now that school has ended for the summer break, your kids will be around the house much more. So keep a lid on the tension surrounding the divorce even though it may be difficult to do at times. This is important because you want your children to enjoy the carefree atmosphere of summer. Both parents need to keep this in mind. The divorce is tough on kids, but making them live it every day emotionally with you is not fair.

Here are seven ways to make sure your children have a wonderful summer despite the divorce.

Discuss a Summer Budget: Speak with your ex and plan a summer budget for activities for your children. If you want to put them in day camp, discuss the costs prior so you and your ex are not arguing all summer long.

Set Up a Day Camp Schedule: If you are going to sign up your children for day camp, you should plan a pick up/drop off schedule. For example, you can drop them off at camp in the morning and their father can pick them up at the end of the day. This way, they feel both parents are involved in their lives during the summer.

Start a Summer Blog: You and your kids should write a summer blog for 2013, posting pictures and stories about all of the fun things you do together. This will be a great way for your family and friends to keep up with the activities. It will also get your children writing more, which is always productive.

Visit Your Local Library: Try to get your kids reading during the summer. Local libraries offer their summer reading lists, which are enjoyable to follow. A popular children's book series will get your kids minds off of the divorce and onto something that's creative.

Plan Weekend Trips: Going on an adventure out of town is always good for the summer. Plan a schedule with your ex to take the kids away on weekend trips. Each of you can bring them someplace different that they will enjoy like local fairs, amusement parks, the beach, and so on.

Sign Them Up For Arts and Crafts: Arts and crafts are always fun for kids. They love it and enjoy making things for their parents. They can paint pictures for both their parents that are guaranteed to warm the heart.

Make Meals Together: It's always fun to get in the kitchen and cook a recipe that grandma created. Or, do some summer barbecuing together. If you haven't cooked with your children before, this is a real sign of independence for them when you allow them to cook alongside you. Also, let them choose the menu once a week and prepare their favorite meal together.

For more divorce parenting tips, pick up Lois Tarter's new book "The Divorce Ritual" by clicking here.

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You Say She Drinks Too Much? Prove It

AppId is over the quota

By Erik Carter

Cordell & Cordell Divorce Attorney

Many fathers will accuse mothers of excessive use of alcohol in the mistaken belief that a mother must prove that she doesn’t drink too much. 

In reality, every accusation must be supported by credible evidence. 

The person making the accusation has the burden of proof of showing that there is some credible evidence (the standard varies from state to state, so check with your local men’s divorce attorney concerning this) that the accusation has some merit. If you can carry your burden of proof, then she must respond to the accusation.

The reality is that you may have very much evidence beyond your own observations. Statistics show that women are less often arrested for drunk driving, public intoxication or battery (involving alcohol) than are men.  

Statistically, women are less often disciplined at work for alcohol-related incidents. This should not discourage you. But you need to be aware of it.

Also, the court cannot hook her up to a lie detector while she is testifying to see if she is lying. The court can hear from you and your witnesses as to how much she drinks, how often she drinks, and how she behaves when she drinks.

Too often, fathers in child custody cases, which also include parenting time disputes, don’t want to “bring up dirty laundry” and will back off any discussion of her drinking.  

Any problems your soon-to-be-ex-wife has with alcohol need to be raised for two reasons. 

The first is the effect on the children. The judge must be aware of anything that could potentially harm the children. A parent who drinks too much could harm the children, either directly or through neglect. The primary concern of the judge is the protection of the children.

The second reason is the effect on society. No one wants a drunk driving on the roads. She may be a fabulous mother, but she could also be a potential vehicular homicide accident. If you think she has a problem with alcohol, use the court to get her the help she needs.

Make sure you discuss her use of alcohol with your divorce lawyer, especially what she will say about her use of alcohol. Do not minimize any incident where you had concerns about her drinking. 

Make sure your lawyer knows any incident of hers where the police were involved, even if she was not arrested, and where alcohol was involved, even if it was not an alcohol-related arrest. 

For example, if she was pulled over for DUI but she pled guilty to reckless driving, discuss it with your lawyer. Or maybe she was in an accident after going out with her friends, but she was not charged with DUI. Let your attorney know, as there may be evidence that she had been drinking, even if she was statutorily not drunk.

People with alcohol problems almost always minimize their problem and surround themselves with people who support and excuse their drinking.

Attack the credibility of her witnesses. If her best friend is testifying to an incident, make sure you point out how long they have been friends. You might even testify to any “bad blood” between you and the friend because she or he may be testifying this way to get back at you.

The best course of action is to simply not drink around your children or your ex. Judges will often question why a person – mother or father – feels the need to have alcohol when they have their kids, and there is not an answer that a judge will find acceptable. 

Too many mothers think that they get a pass on drinking. It simply is not true in custody litigation. 

Rarely will she admit that she has a problem. And even more rarely will the words, “Judge, let me explain…” carry the day. 

But it is your responsibility to your children to raise this issue as early as possible.

To arrange an initial consultation to discuss divorce rights for men with a Cordell & Cordell attorney, including Indiana Divorce Lawyer Erik Carter, contact Cordell & Cordell.

Talk Your Way Into Your Next Relationship

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Married couples who don't communicate often find themselves in a divorce. Everybody needs a partner that they can talk with or they will begin to drift apart. If you don't communicate with your spouse, your spouse may look elsewhere. So if you got divorced, shouldn't you try to your best to communicate more effectively in your next relationship?

With texting, email, Facebook and Twitter, there are many ways to communicate without talking these days. And it seems like some people prefer these alternatives. Sure, sending a text instead calling does save time. However, talking is the best way to work out your problems, especially the ones that can damage your relationship. Remember, if you want to get married again you still have to say "I do" and you can't text it! Here are some ways to help you communicate better with your next partner.

You Must Spend Quality Time Together: Work, parenting and responsibilities will be a part of your life, but you still need to have fun with that special someone. When you are spending quality time together make sure to reduce the calls and texts you both make.

You Need to Look At Your Date: I have been out to dinner and notice couples texting instead of speaking with each other. Make sure you look up from your phone and communicate with your date.

Your Voice Should Be on Your Voicemail: If you want to encourage phone calls and not just texts with other people, then you should have your voice on your message announcement and not just a mechanical recording provided by your phone company. This will be much more personal.

You Have to Return Calls: The popular thing these days is to call someone and then they text you back. A text is not a return call! If someone leaves you a voicemail take the time to call them back. It's courteous and keeps the communication moving forward.

You Can Communicate By Example: By communicating in your new relationship you are setting the right example for your children. They will learn that talking is better than texting and when you speak with someone you can more easily figure out solutions to problems

You Shouldn't Give the Silent Treatment: If you're in an argument in your new relationship, you shouldn't give the other person the silent treatment or not return their call. This will only build things up to an even bigger and more emotional argument. Call your partner back on the phone and work through it.

For more information about dating again after your divorce, pick up Lois Tarter's new book "The Divorce Ritual: Get Up, Get Out and Get On With Your Life" by clicking here.

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The 2014 Happiness Calendar: 12 Strategies To Thrive

By Henry S. Miller

Author of "The Serious Pursuit of Happiness"

Amp up the amount of happiness in your life each and every month of the year by intentionally focusing on 12 strategies that the science of happiness and well being has proven can increase your feelings of happiness and satisfaction.

Even better: know that, if you add these actions to your life, your feelings of increased positive emotion can last for days, weeks, and even months!

If this is the year you decide to get serious about adding happiness that lasts to your life, here are 12 happiness strategies for 2014 and suggestions to make them work for you:

The beginning of the year is traditionally about New Year's resolutions.

This year, write one positive goal you have for the coming year down on your calendar each morning of each day of January. Also write your plan to make it a reality.

Then, resolve that you will intentionally invest your time and energy to work on your resolutions during the year and to live a happier life by implementing these 12 happiness strategies – one each month.

Gratitude is the antidote to greed, envy, and jealously. We feel much happier when we are being grateful for what we have, rather than envious of what we don’t. Remember, no one has everything!

This month, each night before going to bed, take a daily gratitude inventory. Write down three things you are grateful for about your life – your relationships, your work, your character, your family, your country, the world around you, your life.

Plato said, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” And, if you look around, it’s still true today.

This month, find one opportunity each and every day to perform some kind act for someone else – even the simplest act of holding a door open for another will do.

And, each day, after your act of kindness, enjoy the feeling that, for at least one shining moment, you are the personification of all that is good about the human race.

Each day this month, be more conscious of your negative thoughts – if you have any. And every time you do, immediately “dispute” it by intentionally replacing the negative thought with a positive one.

Do this each time you think a negative thought for a month, and notice how your thinking might change.

Close relationships are one of the longest-lasting of happiness-increasing strategies. But, sometimes, we take our friends for granted – or are “too busy” to see them.

This month, at least one time per week, reach out to a friend and arrange to spend time with them. This can be as simple as a walk, a meal, coffee, drinks – whatever you choose. But find the time to visit with your friends face-to-face this month.

Traditionally, June is a month of weddings – and love is all around us.

Each day this month, call, write, or email someone you love or care deeply about – one per day – and tell them how much they mean to you – and how happy you are that they are a part of your life – even if you haven’t been the best communicator up to now.

Notice reactions – yours and theirs.

Studies have proven that people who have spirituality in their lives – whether it’s their own secular belief system, their own faith, or some organized religion – are happier. We don’t know if it’s because of the fellowship of a caring group of like-thinking folks, or the spiritual beliefs themselves.

This month, make a conscious effort to spend some moments each day – perhaps during lunch – repeating to yourself at least one “prayer” or belief you hold.

Summer is a great time to focus on increasing your health and fitness – and on using your skills and abilities to their max.

This month, begin some daily fitness regimen (check with your doctor first if needed) – even if it’s only walking. In addition, make a list of your top skills, talents, and abilities and assess if you are using them to their fullest. If not, take one step per day to begin doing so.

Making a meaningful contribution to make the planet a better place is one of the longest-lasting, happiness-increasing strategies known. What are you contributing?

This month is your chance to decide what difference you’d like to make in the world. Spend a few minutes each day at lunchtime and write down ideas about how you can make a positive difference in the world.

At the end of the month, decide on a plan of action – and begin! The world needs you and your contribution!

Fall is a season to enjoy the changing foliage in many parts of the world. Consciously spend at least five minutes each day focusing your attention exclusively on something of beauty outside – changing leaves, trees, clouds, sky – something.

Five minutes of complete attention to savor the beauty of life around you – each day, every day.

Forgiveness is a powerful, although a slightly more complicated, happiness strategy. We forgive others to make us feel better.

This month, examine your life and see if there are any lingering resentments you are holding on to that are holding you back from joy. If so, do two things:

First, write the apology letter you would have liked to have received from the person who has wronged you.

Second, rise above your desire for revenge, and write your letter of forgiveness to them. No need to mail it, just recall the hurt or violation, write about your feelings. End the letter with your statement of forgiveness.

Just this simple act of writing a forgiveness letter can often grant you freedom from your negative thoughts and give you increased happiness.

The end of the year is a time for giving – a time to donate your time, your money if you can, your skills, your positive energy, your attention – to others to help make their life a little better.

Each day, find one opportunity to give something of yourself to help another – and notice your feelings.

For the best results, remind yourself of each month’s happiness strategy by adding these topics to your calendar – every day of each month.

Then, each day of the year, find creative ways to act on these strategies – and enjoy your reactions and your increased feelings of happiness. You’ll notice that these feelings will last far longer than the happiness you feel from just partaking of the pleasures of life – and will be more meaningful to you.

No matter what your situation, remain hopeful about increasing your happiness. The truth is that no one is ever out of the game when it comes to living a happier and more fulfilling life!

As the months of this year unfold, continue all of the 12 strategies that work best for you. If you do, a year of happiness can be yours.

About Henry S. Miller

Henry S. Miller is the author of The Serious Pursuit of Happiness:  Everything You Need to Know to Flourish and Thrive, and Inspiration for the Pursuit of Happiness:  Wisdom to Guide your Journey to a Better Life. He is also the creator of the online membership program Get SERIOUS About Your Happiness:  20 Transformational Tools for Turbulent Times.

As President of The Henry Miller Group, he is a speaker, trainer, and consultant helping organizations improve engagement, performance, and productivity specifically by increasing employee well being. In prior careers, Henry was a Senior Consultant for the Tom Peters Company training and coaching senior management teams worldwide in leadership and his initial career in corporate America was with IBM.

Holiday Parenting Time Planning

AppId is over the quota

By Daren Neel

Cordell & Cordell Divorce Attorney

In this holiday season, many parents realize that based on their regular parenting schedule they do not have any parenting time on either Thanksgiving or Christmas. 

In a scramble to have parenting time with their children on these important holidays, many parents will try to file a motion for a specific holiday parenting schedule a week or two before the holiday. 

Unfortunately, based on the realities of an overwhelmed court system, many courts will not entertain motions for specific holiday parenting time immediately before the holiday.

The court will reason that it does not have the time to conduct a hearing on the issue and cannot modify parenting time (even for a holiday) without first holding a hearing.

Accordingly, they will rule that holiday parenting time will follow the normal parenting schedule absent an agreement to the contrary. 

When the other parent realizes that they will have all of Thanksgiving and Christmas based on the regular parenting schedule, there is very little motivation on their part to negotiate at that time when they see that the court is not going to do anything about it this year.

If you discover that you do not have a specific holiday schedule it likely is too late for this year, but you should begin trying to work this out in late September or October next year.

While it may seem early to begin planning for next year’s Thanksgiving or Christmas, many courts set hearings a couple of months from the time a motion is filed.

Accordingly, it is important when you are negotiating a settlement of your case (or when you proceed to trial) that you make sure you request a specific holiday visitation schedule be put in place.

This will ensure when the holidays come around that both parents are able to celebrate the holidays with their children. It is typically much easier to negotiate an equitable holiday schedule when the holiday is not right around the corner.

Of course, you are always free to work with the other parent to modify the holiday schedule depending on the present circumstances that might have not been foreseen.

However, if you and the other parent are not able to come to an agreement, you will already have a court-ordered holiday schedule guaranteeing you holiday parenting.

In summary, it is my suggestion that as soon as you see a retailer who places out their first Christmas decoration (sometime in late September or October if your retailers are like mine), ask yourself if you are satisfied with the parenting time you are scheduled to have on any of the upcoming major holidays. 

If you are not, then it is the perfect time to try and get the schedule that you do want.

This article is intended to provide a brief overview of planning for holiday parenting time. It is not intended to provide any sort of legal advice and should not be construed to be such. If you are in need of legal advice, please contact a men’s divorce attorney located in the state in which you reside.

Divorce Your Divorce

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While everyone hopes for a quick divorce settlement, it can drag on and take over your time, mind and emotions. It's up to you to "divorce your divorce." It's inevitable for it to go on, but you can't let it take over your life. If you have children, you can't be in a bad mood around them. If you are working, you can't act upset or depressed at the office. When the divorce affects your daily life, you have to do your best to keep it in the correct prospective. It may sound difficult to do, but when you set your mind to it you will be pleased at how much better you will feel. By not letting your divorce take over your life, you can move forward more quickly.

The divorce will eventually be completed and if you don't live your life during the divorce process, you will look back and be mad at yourself. So how do you live your life during a divorce? Here are seven ways to help you divorce your divorce and enjoy summer.

Visit a Juice Bar
How do you keep yourself healthy during this trying time? One of the best ways is juicing. Go to a local juice bar and order something refreshing. You may meet someone at the juice bar who is single and is interested in health.

Exercise More
Try something new like kickboxing or tai-chi. It will help you get in shape as well as lessen any frustration or aggression you may be feeling about your soon-to-be-ex.

Take a Class
This is a great way to get your mind off of your divorce. A friend of mine took a cooking class and there was a great deal of interaction with the other students. She made friends and they had dinner parties once the class ended.

Make a Plan
Try to make plans to get together with friends. Go out and do something fun and get your mind off of the divorce! Pick a place where they do things that are fun and make you feel happy,

Talk to a Therapist
If you feel you need to speak with someone about your divorce to help you deal with it, then you should. There are many good therapists who can offer advice during the divorce process. This way, you won't be constantly speaking to friends and family about your issues.

Buy New Towels
This might sound minor, but it has a lot of meaning. Pick up some new towels for your bathroom in your favorite color. It will help begin to revitalize your home and make it feel like your own place.

Go to Outdoor Concerts:
Summer is the season for outdoor concerts. There is nothing more relaxing than spreading a blanket on a lawn and listening to your favorite kind of music. You are also sure to make new friends there.

For more ways to help you get through your divorce, pick up Lois Tarter's new book "The Divorce Ritual: Get Up, Get Out and Get On With Your Life" by clicking here.

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How A Criminal Case Affects A Child Custody Battle

AppId is over the quota

By Erik Carter

Cordell & Cordell Divorce Attorney

It is not uncommon for a party to be arrested during a litigated child custody dispute, including modifying parenting time. It’s not as frequent as people think, but it does happen.   

The mother of your children – whether that is your wife, your ex-girlfriend, or your ex-wife – can be arrested and her criminal case will have an affect on the custody litigation, even though the criminal case will be occurring in a different court with a different judge.

There are two scenarios. 

The first is that she is arrested for an incident not connected with the custody litigation.

The second is that it is an incident directly related to the custody litigation. 

The key is that you must immediately inform your men’s divorce attorney if you find out about her being arrested. The reason is your lawyer will determine initially how much weight her arrest may have on the custody issue. 

For example, her being arrested on shoplifting charges may not have much weight in litigation to decide whether you should receive one more day of parenting time each week. 

On the other hand, if the shoplifting charge resulted from her defrauding the store, then it could have a bearing on her credibility as a witness in the litigation case.

Your lawyer will want to immediately obtain a copy of the charging information. Different states have different criminal procedure, but generally a person charged with a crime receives a copy of a document alleging the facts supporting the arrest and/or the criminal charge(s); a listing of the specific criminal statutes allegedly violated; and something stating the next court date and specific deadlines (for discovery, pre-trial motions, etc.). 

Your lawyer can obtain these, although you also generally can get them from the criminal court. This – and not “what you heard about her arrest” – will be the initial review by your lawyer to determine how much weight this charge or these charges will have on the case being litigated.

Your lawyer will also want to be aware of her court appearances, especially ones at which she must make a personal appearance. This is because she may actually speak at these appearances, and she could say something very valuable relating to your case. 

For example, if she appears at a motion to determine probable cause for a drunk driving charge, and she admits to drinking X number of shots but denies that she was drunk, the fact that she drank can be used in the custody litigation.  

It is important for someone to be in court to hear this because that statement may not be recorded in the docket (summary) of the case. It may be in the recording of the hearing (if your state places such hearings on the record), but the recording is generally not published unless it is requested.

Finally, your divorce lawyer can stay in communication with the prosecutor to ensure that he or she is aware of the custody litigation, as this may influence the offers made. Using the above example, the prosecutor may make an offer to her based on her previous record and likelihood to re-offend. 

Knowing a child or children are involved may impel the prosecutor to add an additional term of “no consuming alcohol when the children are present” or “no consuming alcohol 24 hours before driving a car with children in it,” which is something you are more likely to be the most diligent about.

'Were You Looking In My Medicine Cabinet?': Dating Don'ts For Women Over 50

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Going from a divorce or a long-term relationship to dating again is not a simple lifestyle change. Women over 50 who haven't been single for some time can easily fall into dating no-no's. These can actually prevent them from meeting the kind of people that they're looking for.

With the divorce rate getting higher every year, there are more opportunities for singles. And you would think that women who are older and have more experience wouldn't make the same dating mistakes again. (Ha!) One of the first important steps toward starting a new relationship is getting rid of the dating don'ts.

There are positive things about dating again when you're older. You have a lot more to offer. You also are more worldly and probably know what you're looking for. Let's increase your opportunities by eliminating the dating pitfalls.

1. You Are Set in Your Ways

We all know that women don't like dating older men who are set in their ways. Well, there are plenty of women over 50 who are also set in their ways and tend to turn men off with their rigid attitude.

After a break-up or divorce, you should be flexible when you start dating again. You need to be spontaneous with the new men in your life. You have to show others that you want to enjoy this new beginning.

2. You Talk About Your Ex

What happened during your marriage stays in your marriage. If a new love interest asks about your divorce, you can tell them a little about it. However, you don't have to share the minute details. Let him know that it's over between you and your ex and that you're excited about the future.

3. You Act Paranoid

A friend of mine told me that he invited a woman back to his apartment for a drink. She asked to use the bathroom and was in there for a long time. His medicine cabinet had a tricky latch and he saw that it was ajar when she came out. He asked her, "Were you looking in my medicine cabinet?" She appeared to be embarrassed. She said she was looking for a Band-Aid, but couldn't explain the reason. She admitted later that she was looking through the cabinet to see if he was on any drugs that she should know about.

Nobody likes their privacy invaded and doing something like going through their medicine cabinet is an indication that you're paranoid.

4. You Appear Needy

After ending a long-term marriage, you're probably used to being with someone all of the time. It's an adjustment to be alone. You're single now and it's your choice to do what you want to do.

Even though you may have someone new in your life, still try to do things independently. Only a codependent guy wants to be with a needy woman.

5. You Never Offer to Pay

One of the great things about dating over 50 is there is probably more time to go out for dinners since the kids have moved out of the house. When women over 50 were first dating, it was accepted practice that guys paid for everything. Culturally, changes have come about. And now many more people are splitting the cost of the evening. The guy may not accept, but be prepared to offer.

For more post-divorce dating tips, pick up Lois Tarter's new book "The Divorce Ritual: Get Up, Get Out and Get On With Your Life" by clicking here.

Earlier on Huff/Post50:

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Sometimes it feels like the foundation of your social life is so strong that you no longer find the opportunity to meet new and exciting people. Throw a barbecue or party in which guests bring a friend that no one in the group knows. Alternatively, tag along with a friend the next time their office has a company picnic or function -- this is a great way to meet somebody who you know is responsible enough to hold down a career and who you can 'check out' with an acquainted friend before you agree to a date.

There's no longer a stigma about a woman learning to golf or a man taking a Pilates class, though such activities are still gender lopsided enough one way or the other to open up the dating options for the minority sex. In time you'll be able to go to a local public course and complete someone else's foursome, or cap off an exercise class by going for coffee with some of your fellow students -- both of which will give you the opportunity to meet a host of new people (most likely of the opposite sex). Just make sure you're doing something you want to do -- it would be a shame to begin a relationship under false pretenses.

Organizations such as "Habitat For Humanity" allow you to come into contact with people of all ages and from all walks of life, all of whom have strong, respectable values. And it's not just a great chance to meet a prospective date -- volunteering attracts interesting, good-natured people who themselves are excited to meet new faces and make friends.

Book clubs are great places to meet well-read, like-minded adults -- you can usually find one by calling your local library. Similarly, wine clubs, outdoors clubs and gardening clubs are good options as well depending on your interests. Joining a club allows you to grow as an individual and sets up the opportunity for you to meet someone who shares a common interest.

Singles over 50 are flocking to the online dating world more than any other demographic. It would be a shame to let 20th century prejudices about online dating spoil the opportunities that could await you with a membership. The perception that dating sites attract eccentrics or shut-ins is a dying one, but if you need convincing, just see for yourself the array of adults turning to sites like "Match" and "eHarmony" to help them begin meaningful relationships with interesting people. Here are the top five most popular dating sites for Post50s.

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What a Difference a Year After a Divorce Makes

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It was recently reported that Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise completed their first year after the divorce was finalized. Many divorced couples don't think that they will survive after the split. The completion of the first year marks an important milestone.

When you're going through the divorce process, it feels like it will never end. Then, one day, you both sign the divorce papers. After all of the aggravation, you get that piece of paper in the mail and you say to yourself, "That's it?" This is what happened to me. However, that piece of paper is important because it marks your first day of your new life. It will always be your divorce day.

Your divorce day signifies a new beginning and the way you use your new freedom is what it's all about. Now, if you have been divorced for a while and are finding it difficult to move on, I suggest making your divorce day tomorrow and start fresh. Here are ten ways to ease you through and help you make positive strides during your first year of divorce.

Bury the Hostility: The first year is an important time to let go of the bad feelings you have about your ex. It won't help you in any way to hate them.

Enjoy Your Children: When the divorce was going on you were probably not completely yourself around your children. It's time for all of you to enjoy each other's company. This is a new stage of all of your lives and it's time to rebuild.

Begin Dating: You're single and you should have some fun. Be open to new people and going out with them on dates.

Choose a Hobby: Find a hobby that is a unique one. There are so many interesting things to collect out there. This will also give you something new to talk about with people.

Go Out More: Get out of your house and spend less time in front of your computer. No need to waste your valuable day on social media. It's nice to connect with people online, but get out there and meet new ones in-person.

Be Involved: Go to more town meetings. You'll feel good after you get involved locally with things that have an effect on the lives of your children, your neighbors and yourself.

See Friends: Grab a coffee or a drink with a close friend. It's important to connect with old friends who know you well.

Don't Think About Your Ex: This one is so important. Thinking about your ex is not going to help. Just think about yourself, your children, those who care about you and others who are in need.

Work Hard: Get involved in your work. Spending some extra hours at your job will help you move ahead in your career. It will also get your mind off of the divorce.

Take a Vacation: You have been working extra hours so plan a trip to relax. A vacation with your kids or by yourself will be a wonderful change of scene. Even if it's just for a long weekend when the children are with your ex-spouse, it will be helpful.

For more divorce tips, pick up Lois Tarter's new book "The Divorce Ritual" by clicking here.

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Friends After Divorce

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Denise Richards was interviewed on OWN recently and talked about her relationship with ex-husband Charlie Sheen. While their divorce seemed to be a nasty one according to press reports, their lives together now appear calm. The two stars are happy to be spending time together with their children. In fact, they go on vacations together. Richards said in the interview, "He knows I don't judge him and he knows that I will be there for him no matter what -- and vice versa."

When you are going through a divorce, you probably could never think of being friends with your ex. If you have children together, you need to both think about what's best for them. If you are arguing with your ex after the divorce is final, look at why you're still not getting along. If each parent is doing what they are supposed to according to the divorce agreement and for the children, then there should be no hostility. It begins with both exes working together for the benefit of the kids. Here are some things to keep in mind as you co-parent with your ex-spouse.

Get On With Your Lives: The both of you need to forget about the bad things that happened during your marriage. Now it's time to get on with your lives for the well-being of your children.

Learn to Like Each Other Again: Things went badly in your marriage, but don't forget that you liked each other at one time. Try to be friends again. It can only help toward making a peaceful existence for the kids.

Alleviate the Pressure: You probably spent a long time with your ex-spouse trying to make your marriage work. Now that you're divorced, the pressure is off the two of you.

Communicate More: Two spouses not communicating is one of the big reasons a marriage ends. Speak to each other and let the other one know what you're feeling with regard to the kids.

Don't Annoy Each Other: You certainly know what annoys your ex and your ex knows what bothers you. It's easier to make it work between you both when you keep those things in mind.

Think of the Children First: Make sure you and your ex always think of the children first. If you find yourself having a moment of resentment regarding the marriage, consider what is best for the kids.

Have a Peaceful Night: If your ex does something that's irritating, you don't have to bring the negativity home with you anymore. You get to go to your own bed and have a good night's sleep.

For more information on parenting after divorce, pick up Lois Tarter's new book "The Divorce Ritual" by clicking here.

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